You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do and it's breaking my heart in two because I never wanna see you a sad girl don't be a bad girl

Have I mentioned what a trainwreck my personal life is? It never fails to amaze me that I can manage a very demanding career, successfully pay bills on time, have a social life, and raise my daughter singlehandedly - essentially in control (as much as anyone can be in control) of my life, and yet when it comes to making decisions about men I am about as intuitive as Pamela Anderson circa the whole Tommy Lee debacle. I have been trying to self-analyse lately, and get to the root of the problem, and I think I may have it... probably not, but what the hell, I'll test this theory. I think that I try too hard to portray the "independant woman" to everyone I meet, and insist that I need someone as independant as I am, but when it comes down to it, I am really a 1950's housewife at heart, and just want someone to make a martini for at the end of the day. Problem is, by telling everyone I don't want anything serious, I meet these guys who believe me, and are thrilled to have met a girl who isn't looking to "tie them down", and then when I get involved, and start picturing martini shakers and aprons, I realize that, once again, I have managed to meet the wrong guy.

Following me?

Didn't think so.

By trying so hard to be Wonder Woman (love the boots), I have effectively shot myself in the foot, because I'm not the tough-as-nails chick I have let everyone think I've been for the last 4 years, I'm the opposite. I'm insecure, afraid, and lately, very alone.

So now what?

Wonder Woman made it look so easy...

*Wild World - Cat Stevens*

Cause I'll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna jump how high? Real high cause I'm just so fly

Whoops... Seem to have forgotten about this place for a bit. Ok, in the interest of getting all caught up in the least word-vomity way, here's a top 10 list of the highlights of the last 3 months so we can all move on...

1. Survived the holiday season working my 14th Christmas in retail. Barely.


2. Went to Cuba. Hated it, but loved the tan I came back with to make all my fellow Winnipeggers jealous with.


3. Got the happy news that I will be going to Cancun in June for work, hopefully getting the bad taste of Cuba out of my mouth.


4. Hooked up with my ex. Twice.


5. Immediately regretted said hookups.


6. Engaged in a lot of shopping to distract myself from aforementioned stupidity. Two words: Retail Therapy.


7. Dodged the late night booty texts from a retardedly hot 28-year-old who, in the past, has demonstrated his remarkable abilities in bed.


8. Am currently wondering why the hell I am dodging the late night booty texts from a retardedly hot 28-year-old who, in the past, has demonstrated his remarkable abilities in bed.


9. Am also shoe-shopping on line while composing this post.


10. Am thinking it's possible I may suffer from ADD.

There. All caught up. Now there's 5 minutes of your life you will never see again.

You're welcome.

*Jump - Kriss Kross*

He's gonna buy a parrot that speaks her language but all it'll say is what are you doing with him let's take off take off take off take off

Have I mentioned boys are stupid?

So the boy I just broke up with a couple weeks ago is apparently not familiar with the terms of the "clean break" I suggested. Or maybe in his mind sending me text messages does not constitute actual contact as there is no face to face, or voice contact. Really, I don't know. So anyway, after getting several "hey how's it going?" I got annoyed and, rather than telling him to take a hike, asked him exactly what was "too independant" supposed to mean? (I know, dumb move. It was bugging me ok? Seriously, most men WANT a woman who is not clingy or needy. Just my luck I get someone who needs someone needier than he is). So he has the nerve to tell me that I am too closed off, and am afraid to let anyone close to me, and implied that not only am I unable to be in a serious relationship, I am also an emotional cripple... -deep cleansing breaths, deep cleansing breaths, deep cleansing breaths...

My darling pink cell may have taken its maiden voyage across the room after I read that one. Serves me right for not just ignoring the guy. Lesson learned. No further contact. If I want an educated opinion of myself I'll get my girlfriends drunk and ask them.

So anyway, not 2 days after I broke it off with Mr. Velcro do I get a text from this guy I had dated briefly in the summer, had a lot of fun with, and it never really ended exactly, but we just kind of lost touch when I had to go out of province for work and he had some kind of seminar in Toronto. Anyway, this one is all about having fun, not getting boring, and has the cutest ass I think I've ever seen. And we're getting together this weekend.

Things are looking up.

So tomorrow is Black Friday. Yah, I know, I'm Canadian, we don't have Black Friday here. But in a fun way we do, because all the stores here do something magical sale-wise in order to deter dumb Canadian shoppers from driving through feet upon feet of snow, over ice-covered highways, and through hostile border crossings in order to save the equivalent of a few bucks once you factor in gas, hotel, and the greasy fried fare that seems to be de rigeur in American restaurants... ...rambling. Anyway, if the retail gods are kind to me, I shall be boot shopping to my little heart's content tomorrow. Sigh. There is nothing like the feel, smell, and sight of a lovely new leather boot to make the world a better place. I firmly believe that if you took all the world leaders and forced them to go shoe shopping together, there would be no more war.

Don't judge me.

*Rico - Matthew Good Band*

Another loose cannon gone bi-polar slipped down couldn't get much lower quicksand's got no sense of humor I'm still laughing like hell

flummox

[fluhm-uhks]

-verb (used with object) Informal.
to bewilder; confound; confuse.

Men are morons.

Just curious... a relationship that has only been going on for 2 months... does it really need to be super serious? Especially in light of the fact that the guy involved had only been separated from his ex-wife for 3 months when he met the girl? Or, in light of the fact that the girl involved had stated quite clearly from the beginning that she is not interested in being labelled someone's girlfriend right away and is happy to just see where the relationship heads?

I didn't think so either...

Welcome to my life. I'm not exactly heartbroken over this loss, but I'm wondering what the thought process is here. We had been dating for exactly 2 months when the issue of my excessive independance and reluctance to be in "serious" relationship came up. My response to this was I didn't realize a 2-month-old relationship needed to be so serious. I mean really, why rush things? I would much rather let things happen organically and see what happens rather than force a relationship to be something it isn't too soon and lose the entire thing. So my solution to this scenario was to suggest a clean break and wish him well in the future. I'm not sure if his intention was to reverse-psychology me into something more "serious", but if it was, boy did that backfire.

Free again.

As much as I had been thinking I was finally ready for an actual relationship, rather than serial dating, this year, I wonder if I really am. Or maybe it's simply a matter of finding THE ONE, whatever the hell that means. I don't mean ready in the sense of getting over any baggage or that kind of crap. I'm past that. But I do think that having been in such a bad relationship with my ex for over 6 years has created a need on my part to maintain as much of my own independance as possible, and maybe this is making it hard for people to get close to me. Maybe I shouldn't try to head-shrink myself. I feel forehead wrinkles forming.

Think I'll go shoe shopping instead. That always solves everything.

*The Sound of Madness - Shinedown*