Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe

I'm pretty sure beer was invented for retail managers during the holiday season. Case in point: I have just finally stopped moving for the first time today (aside from the drive home, it's also the first time I have sat since 1:30 this afternoon), and my bff Stella has managed to do a rather nice job of taking the edge off. Thanks buddy. You're the bestest.

How does the holiday season bring out the worst in people? I have asked myself this question every year for my 15 year life in retail management, but seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? Here's an example of holiday shopper stupidity: A woman comes into my store today (November 15) with a jacket she purchased yesterday and her receipt. She is furious that the sales person who sold it to her assured her that she could return the jacket if needed between December 28th and January 9th. When I told her that that was, in fact, the case, and she could indeed return it between those dates, she shoved her receipt in my face and demanded to know why we were lying to her, when it states on the receipt that "holiday gift purchases made after November 15th were eligible for returns between December 28th and January 9th". I told her that we understand that not everyone shops for the holidays only after November 15th, and have never been strict with our return policy, and that the associate was being helpful and honest with her. She proceeded to shove the receipt at me 3 more times, demanding to know why we would print that policy on the receipt if we weren't strict about it, even though I explained that from a customer service standpoint, we do everything to make our customers happy, and that we will gladly return her holiday purchases even if they were made prior to November 15th. So you know what she made me do? Return the entire purchase and resell it to her so today's date would reflect on her receipt. Apparently me telling her that I am the store manager and giving her my business card was not enough to assuage her neurosis that we would laugh in her face and tell her to shove her prior-to-November-15th-purchase up her ass. To be honest, I would have liked to, but that would have been at odds with the wondrous joy of the holiday retail season, where Mariah Carey makes whale sounds (read: generic Christmas pop) on sound systems in malls around the world, and reindeers take it upon themselves to shit in peoples' Corn Flakes, leaving me to deal with the fall-out.

40 more sleeps until you can all kiss my ass.

*All I Want For Christmas is You - Mariah Carey*

Thursday, November 10, 2011

This is how I roll come on ladies it's time to go we headed to the bar baby don't be nervous no shoes no shirt and I still get service

Say it with me: "Fat Russian Magnetic Kid".

With spoons.

You're welcome.

This comes courtesy of one of my colleagues, a store manager in another province. He came across the picture of fat-russian-magnetic-kid while perusing the local paper one day. Apparently this kid is truly magnetic, and in order to demonstrate this wondrous super-power, spoons were judiciously applied all over his body.

This kid must have the best parents ever! (cough)sarcasm(cough) I'm pretty sure if I did this to my kid she would: a) never speak to me again; b) put Neet in my shampoo; c) spit in my coffee; or d) all of the above.

Anyhoo, my colleague decided this picture was too good to pass up, and meticulously cut it out and pasted it to a toilet paper roll, which he then mounted on a block of wood, and it is now an employee of the quarter trophy. I'm only jealous I didn't come up with the idea myself.

*Sexy and I Know It - LMFAO*

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

And it burns burns burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire

I seem to do a lot of stupid shit.  Today, for instance, as I was getting ready for a meeting, and choosing my accessories (it's a fashion company, this is how I get ready for meetings), I decided on this amazing ring I bought on my last trip to Cancun.  It's a stainless steel square band with a small clear stone set in it, and looks very much like a very cool men's wedding band, but is clearly a women's ring, as it is a size 5 and even the men in Mexico don't have that small of fingers.  At least I hope not, for the sake of all Mexican women...  Anyway, when I spotted it, I immediately fell in love with it, and upon trying it on discovered the only finger it fit was the ring finger on my left hand.  After much deliberation I decided to buy it anyway, but have barely worn it since, as I feel awkward wearing a ring on my  left hand that looks like a wedding band and I so don't want people to think I'm that girl...  you know the kind I'm talking about.  So anyway, back to this morning.  I take it out of my jewelry box, and decide what the hell, I've lost weight lately (10 pounds of being sick, 5 pounds of breakup - I don't eat when I'm depressed - I'll never be the fat ex-girlfriend), let's see if I can get it on my RIGHT hand.  And I did.  Unfortunately my finger seems to have swelled up since this morning, and now, after a vigorous effort involving olive oil, butter, and a lot of screaming and swearing on my part, the ring appears to now be fused onto my finger.

Notice the angry red swelling and chafing.  It hurts like a motherfucker too.  Great ring though.

If I get the damned thing off it's staying in my jewelry box.

*Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash*