Monday, July 11, 2011

No second billing 'cause you're a star now oh Cinderella they're all sluts like you




1. make a spectacle of oneself, to call attention to one's unseemly behaviour; behave badly or foolishly in public: They tell me I made a spectacle of myself at the party last night.

2. this season of The Bachelorette.

Ugh. Bowlegged, airheaded, personality-deficient twit.

Ok, yah, I watch it. I'm one of those people you make fun of for wasting 2 hours of precious living time each week watching some dumbass woman claim she is looking to find her husband (a.k.a. "soulmate", a.k.a. "yin to my yang", a.k.a. "love of my life", "Prince Charming", or other such drivel) among 25 or so perfect strangers, whilst going on dates in perfectly mundane settings such as Thailand, or Bali, or Belize, often in group settings (awkward, anyone?), while engaging in such activities as helicopter rides, tight-rope-walking to picnics, or elephant Safari rides.

Oh, and did I mention the goal is to sucker the last sap standing into proposing after, like, 2 months of knowing her?


I want to see a "real" version of this show. Some guy picks her up in his Honda Civic, takes her to dinner at Olive Garden (bleuch) where there is that awkward moment when the waiter brings the bill and she makes the mandatory show of reaching for her handbag to make it look like she's willing to pay (but she's really not), then go for a walk near the river, while trying to ignore the smell coming from various mushroom plants and meat packing facilities nearby, and with him wishing he knew her well enough to feel comfortable to tell her she has a huge piece of spinach stuck in her teeth, and her trying to figure out why he hasn't kissed her yet. Then there's the drive home in awkward silence, both of them talking about their plans for the weekend ahead (embellished, so the other knows how cool and in demand the other is), and ending with a vague "I'll call you this weekend" (which really means a text message, sometime on Monday evening, that reads: "sry didnt call u this wkd supr busy wit frenz. u feel like movie l8r?") ...and so on ad infinitum. You get the picture.

Boring? Hell yes. Realistic? You betcha. This couple will probably end up dating and breaking up at least 3 times over the course of a year or so, have a pregnancy scare or two, and finally get engaged after realizing this is about as good as it's gonna get.

Reality t.v. at its finest. I'll even volunteer to be the first Bachelorette. Watch out everyone, my Prince Charming is out there!

... cue gagging noises...

*Celebrity Skin - Hole*

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Yah pass that bottle around got the rock from Detroit soul from Motown the underground stoned f*cking pimp we trash the mack and slap back the wack

Just dragged my ass in from the pool...

Did I mention I was drinking beer by said pool? Guess not, as I just started this post.

Guess what beer in the sun does to your brain? In my case it appears to have pickled it to a nice fuzzy consistency. Am I making any sense at all? No... but due to aforementioned fuzzy-pickle brain, who cares?

So I'm seeing a pattern emerging in my posts, that being that I am an approximately-once-a-month blogger. You may think this is due to my fascinating, fast-paced, glamourous (Canadian spelling) life. It's not. I'm just that lazy. That, and nothing that exciting really seems to happen to me.

I was at the beach with one of my best friends -JG- yesterday. And as the norm, the conversation came around to relationships, and sadly, my lack thereof. I have gone through my fiercely independent stage, my lonely stage, my short-lived "I have a vibrator, who the fuck needs a man?" stage. and am currently in my "what is wrong with me?" stage? JG's opinion is that I may be too focused on looks, and that there is a possibility that I am overlooking great guys who may not be so great looking, and maybe I need to give these other guys a chance. I realize that what she says has a distinct ring of truth to it, and wonder how I got like this. I mean, I'm not exactly a supermodel myself, but I fully admit that I won't look twice at a guy if I don't find him wildly attractive on first meeting. And I know full well that I am not the only woman out there like this. It makes me wonder why it is that average women will not deem a man worthy of their time unless he is gorgeous? And why are we not looking at things like "is he a good person?", "does he still feel the need to go on all-weekend benders with his high school buddies he still hangs out with?", and so on.

Holy fuck this is way too SATC Carrie Bradshaw sitting at her laptop in front of an open window for my barley-soaked brain right now.

I need a Slurpee...

*American Badass - Kid Rock*