Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Working hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill paying anything to roll the dice just one more time

What's a girl gotta do to get a Red Wings game televised in Canada? (Yes, I already know... subscribe to NHL Centre Ice. I get it. I also get that I can buy at least 2 new pairs of shoes with the money I would spend on a hockey season's worth of cable bill. Hmmm... cable... shoes... cable... shoes...)

I love hockey games. Great butts. Get over yourself. You were thinking the same thing.

So I am ankle-deep in my 13th Christmas season at work (I'm a retail store manager and regional trainer), and, as such, am compiling my annual top-ten list of un-favourite things (Oprah would hate this) about holiday shoppers. Read on...

10. People who respond with "I'm just looking" to every statement I make, then proceed to make a huge mess in my store, because they have refused my help, and think they can find what they're looking for more efficiently than I can.

9. People who think that it's perfectly ok to let their children run amok in my store, smearing their grubby little hands on mirrors, walls, and, oh yah, $1300 shearling coats.

8. Snapping fingers for service. Ditto for whistling, and, believe it or not, "yoo-hoo-ing". (Yes, I've been "yoo-hoo-ed". By someone who likely thought she was Zsa Zsa Gabor) Let me tell you this: If you do this in a restaurant to your waiter, I put my money on the waiter spitting in your main course. Don't do this. It makes you a patronizing git.

7. Customers who think they can treat me like "the help" because I am in the service industry. Here's a head's up, my friend: I probably make more than you do, AND I'm better looking.

6. People who ask me if a particular item makes their butt look fat. No, it's not the garment. It's your ass.

5. Handing me your empty coffee cup and saying "get rid of this for me, will you?". Um... again, not "the help", and probably make more than you. Throw out your own trash.

4. Acting like what I'm showing you is the most hideous thing you have ever seen, all the while sporting faux-fur lined Crocs, a fanny pack, track pants with "JUICY" emblazoned across the aforementioned humongous ass, and a scrunchie.

3. Women who think I'm trying to hit on their husbands/boyfriends, and proceed to treat me like I'm wearing the scarlet A. Here's the thing ladies... I've dated a lot of guys, and all of them have been way better than your pencil neck boyfriend. You can keep him.

4. Men who hit on me because I'm helping them. Please know this: I am paid to be pleasant. I will laugh politely at your bad jokes, listen earnestly to your "fascinating" stories, and make you want to spend a lot more money than you probably should. This does not mean I want to go home with you when I leave for the day.

3. "Big Spenders" who return their entire purchase the very next day. Thanks for that. You only took up an hour of my time...

2. Women who want me to shoehorn them into skirts and dresses that were never meant to fit over their girth. What did that poor dress ever do to you?

1. People who feel the need to swear profusely while speaking to me in regular conversation. Doubly so people who feel the need to scream and swear when they don't get their way. Lovely. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

I feel better now:)

Funny story... as a die hard Red Wings fan, I am obviously glued to the t.v. during playoff season (because, obviously, the Wings will never miss playoffs), and last year one of my best friends came over to my place a few times while the home games were on, and was convinced that everyone who lives in Detroit must be a huge Journey fan, as they played the song at every game. After I gave him the "gimme a break" face (something I've perfected over the years), and had a good laugh at his expense, I told him to listen to the words, and to get back to me when he figured it out. A week later he got it. Poor guy... not so quick on the uptake...

I though it was funny...

*Don't Stop Believing - Journey*

1 comment:

  1. I once had a guy whistle at me the way you would whistle to call a dog to get my attention. I must have had a very scary look on my face when I whirled around since the guy actually backed up a few steps and practically fell over himself trying to apologize enough. On the plus side at least he could realize what a colossal ass he had been.