Friday, June 3, 2011

Don't pretend I think you know I'm damned precious and hell yah I'm the mother f***ing princess I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right

So. Been a while. Miss me?

Whatever. You did so.

You will all be so happy to know I survived my now 10-year-old daughter's sleepover birthday party. I say "survived" because, as anyone who has been in the company of 5 pre-teen girls at a given time knows, you have to be pretty savvy in order to see the sun rise again. Some of the highlights...

1. "Whatever". Apparently this is the word if you're an adolescent girl. It became only slightly annoying after the thousandth time I heard it.

2. Hot pink nail polish spilled all over my living room carpet after a lapse in judgement led me to allow each girl to do her own mani/pedi. This, in spite of an old queen sized sheet and a lengthy admonishment to all of the girls to "BE VERY CAREFUL". Famous last words. Did you know nail polish remover does not remove nail polish from beige carpet?

3. Listened to the girls discussing classmates "boyfriends", and "some girl who trash talks me because she thinks I made out with her boyfriend". ?!?!?!?!? They're 10!!! OMG, it was like listening to me and the girls, minus the martinis. I needed a drink after that...

*editor's note: did not have a drink after that. I was responsible for children. Duh.*

4. Successfully mediated several earth shattering intellectual debates (read: petty arguments) that leads me to believe I have missed my calling as a hostage negotiator/crisis manager.

5. Cleverly sidestepped being made-over by a bunch of blue-eyeshadow-wielding, giggling girls by negotiating aforementioned mani/pedis instead. Regretted it, as per nail polish-carpet debacle.

6. Made the scientific discovery that sugar does, in fact, cause hyperactivity in children.

7. Made the scientific discovery that alcohol does, in fact. counter the hyperactivity-causing effects of sugar.

*editor's note: I'M KIDDING. GIVE ME A BREAK!*

8. Endured hours of squealing and giggling about how cute Justin Bieber is.

9. Threw up in my mouth a little as a result of #8.

10. ...and did it all without any help from my besties Ernest and Julio.


And I get to do it all again in another year. Where's that box of wine?

*Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne*


  1. That sounds like tons of fun!! I cannot wait for my turn at this (sarcasm font needed here).

    Did you get it out of the carpet? Because if not, maybe the trick I used on my leather jacket would work.

  2. Um... the carpet may have had a bit of a haircut.