Thursday, April 7, 2011

Well you must be a girl with shoes like that she said you know me well I seen you and little Steven and Joanna round the back of my hotel oh yeah

Signs of spring in Winnipeg:

  1. The overly excitable residents of this fair city go through their summer wardrobes and shorts and skirts and cropped pants begin to make their appearances. This would be all well and good, if it weren't for the lack of exfoliation and exposure to sun for an entire winter. Tip: Blindingly white skin = lost retinas.

  2. Open toed shoes appear along with aforementioned shorter hemlines... ...along with the nastiest feet known to man. Not deliberately trying to make anyone vomit here, but I got on the escalator at the mall the other day, and right at eye-level with me were the crustiest, scaliest, YELLOWEST feet I have ever witnessed in my 33 years on this planet.

  3. Pot holes the size of moon craters all over the city. Driving to work lately has become a combined effort to avoid the pot holes myself, and avoid the morons who swerve into my lane to avoid them. So far my poor Rico has escaped unscathed, but he's had a couple of scares.

  4. Warm temperatures = open car windows = getting to eavesdrop on other people's conversations and hilarious singing while driving beside them and attempting to keep a straight face.

  5. Warm temperatures = open car windows = me getting busted for my hilarious singing while driving beside other cars.

  6. Geese, geese, everywhere. They're all cute and goose-like until you get too close to one and it hisses at you. (Freakiest shit I've ever seen!)

  7. Not being able to go anywhere without someone talking about THE FLOOD. Now maybe I'm being insensitive here, but I live nowhere near anywhere that will see any overland water, nor do any of my friends or family members, so I'm really not all that concerned. If you are so gung-ho, rather than flap your gums about it to complete strangers, go fill a few sandbags and make yourself useful.*

  8. My kid squelching around in her pink rubber boots. Does anyone else remember getting booters?

  9. Not being able to leave home without allergy meds so I can actually breathe through the dust and mold. Ahhhh... Otrivin.

  10. Shirtless joggers. Happy thought, only when assuming said shirtless jogger is a specimen straight off the Firefighter's calendar. Not so happy thought when said shirtless jogger is closing in on 60 with saggy man boobs.

*While do feel badly that many people will likely see flood damage to their homes in the next month, I just want to point out that when purchasing property, it is only good sense to research the area you are looking to buy in, and therefore should be aware if your future home is on a flood plain. Just pointing out the obvious.

*Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis*

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do and it's breaking my heart in two because I never wanna see you a sad girl don't be a bad girl

Have I mentioned what a trainwreck my personal life is? It never fails to amaze me that I can manage a very demanding career, successfully pay bills on time, have a social life, and raise my daughter singlehandedly - essentially in control (as much as anyone can be in control) of my life, and yet when it comes to making decisions about men I am about as intuitive as Pamela Anderson circa the whole Tommy Lee debacle. I have been trying to self-analyse lately, and get to the root of the problem, and I think I may have it... probably not, but what the hell, I'll test this theory. I think that I try too hard to portray the "independant woman" to everyone I meet, and insist that I need someone as independant as I am, but when it comes down to it, I am really a 1950's housewife at heart, and just want someone to make a martini for at the end of the day. Problem is, by telling everyone I don't want anything serious, I meet these guys who believe me, and are thrilled to have met a girl who isn't looking to "tie them down", and then when I get involved, and start picturing martini shakers and aprons, I realize that, once again, I have managed to meet the wrong guy.

Following me?

Didn't think so.

By trying so hard to be Wonder Woman (love the boots), I have effectively shot myself in the foot, because I'm not the tough-as-nails chick I have let everyone think I've been for the last 4 years, I'm the opposite. I'm insecure, afraid, and lately, very alone.

So now what?

Wonder Woman made it look so easy...

*Wild World - Cat Stevens*

Monday, April 4, 2011

Cause I'll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna jump how high? Real high cause I'm just so fly

Whoops... Seem to have forgotten about this place for a bit. Ok, in the interest of getting all caught up in the least word-vomity way, here's a top 10 list of the highlights of the last 3 months so we can all move on...

  1. Survived the holiday season working my 14th Christmas in retail. Barely.

  2. Went to Cuba. Hated it, but loved the tan I came back with to make all my fellow Winnipeggers jealous with.

  3. Got the happy news that I will be going to Cancun in June for work, hopefully getting the bad taste of Cuba out of my mouth.

  4. Hooked up with my ex. Twice.

  5. Immediately regretted said hookups.

  6. Engaged in a lot of shopping to distract myself from aforementioned stupidity. Two words: Retail Therapy.

  7. Dodged the late night booty texts from a retardedly hot 28-year-old who, in the past, has demonstrated his remarkable abilities in bed.

  8. Am currently wondering why the hell I am dodging the late night booty texts from a retardedly hot 28-year-old who, in the past, has demonstrated his remarkable abilities in bed.

  9. Am also shoe-shopping on line while composing this post.

  10. Am thinking it's possible I may suffer from ADD.

There. All caught up. Now there's 5 minutes of your life you will never see again.

You're welcome.

*Jump - Kriss Kross*